This morning, I was thinking as I often do while driving. I started think about my mom, I’m always thinking about her but this morning  she was just on my mind. I think it’s because mother’s day is coming up. Anyway I really, really, really , really, really, really, miss her ! I feel like she was taken from me too soon. she was my best friend. I miss everything about her, her voice, her smile, her touch, her comforting words, our talks, her encouragement. I feel ROBBED!!!!!!!!!. I know she is in heaven cause she was saved and she is watching over her two grandchildren up there with her. But I want them all here with me! Ya, I know that’s selfish, but that’s just how I fell right now! I have all these feeling in me and I don’t know weather to cry or yell. I gotta keep my cool for the child that God so graciosuoly blessed me with and I don’t want to cause any tension in my home. That’s the good thing about blogging,I can let it all out. 

I LOVE YOU, MOMMY!!!!

so I got back some results from my Dr. today and I am trying really hard not to get depressed. What happened to the days when I didn’t have to worry about anything? If I keep asking why I will just go into a state of depression and I will be going backwards if I do that, so I have to do what I do best and that’s keep my head up even though I really don’t want too. But I am done with self pity parties!!!!!!

It was hard for me to start a routine that included exercise. but today I finally got started. I walked around my complex twice and then the treadmill for 25 min. which is pretty good to start. I am gonna do my best to stick with it and keep a regular routine………..I need much prayer so pray much!

Jaeden is my testimony. He was born October 24,2007. I had an awesome pregnancy. I found out that some people thought I shouldn’t have tried again. But, I am glad I didn’t let what other people thought get in the way of my blessing from heaven.  Jaeden means thankful. That couldn’t be a better name for him, because I am more than more than more than a thousand times thankful for my beautiful baby boy. Imanuel is his middle name, which means God with us. God told me to give him this name because from the beginning He has always been with us. He has not forsaken me even though I may have felt like he did at one point in my life.  He is faithful. God saw fit for what happened, and the outcome of it all was I have a more personal relationship with him and have reaped the harvest he promised me. Satan is fighting mad though and he has done everything in his power to break me down again. (since Jaeden was born)Yes I have cried about it , but I know that this too shall pass and I WILL WIN THIS WAR TOO!!!

In all that I’ve been through, I realized that it was all for my good. It didn’t feel like it but when I finally got it I knew that I would share my experiences with someone who may feel like they have no purpose in life. What did I learn? I learned that my purpose is bigger than my pain. I’ve learned how to trust God, how to let go, how to be obedient and how to forgive.  I think the hardest lesson was learning how to let go and forgive. I recently let go of some anger I have been holding on to for 6 years. About a year ago I emailed a family member and told her I had forgiven her for what she did. She wasn’t even aware that I was angry at her, but when I told her she realized what she did, and apologized. I held a grudge with her for 3 years. I thought that was apart of my unhappiness besides everything else that had already happened in my life. But for some reason I still felt so heavy. I realized I was still angry at my daughters father for what he did or should I say ,what he didn’t do. It was not the easiest thing for me, but I know that obedience pleases God. When I decided to forgive him, I felt sooooo much lighter. I was stressing my self out holding a grudge and being angry. what good was that doing anybody? I wasn’t hurting him by not forgiving him and I was blocking blessings that I could have had a long time ago.   So if you are someone who is angry for what ever reason at someone who has betrayed you, disappointed you, or whatever it may be. Don’t waste your energy. you are just stressing your self out. We are to blessed to be stressed,right! and think about what you have done unpleasing to Jesus, he still forgives you and throws it in the sea of forgetfulness.  you may be in a place where you are like” whatever” and being angry is a comfortable place for you right now,  I was in that place. but I pray that you will get to a point were you are just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I hope it doesn’t take as long as it took me for you to get it. But better late than never.It took me awhile to get it, but I got it, so I’m good. for now. just hope it doesn’t take that long with the next lesson God wants to teach me

So I let Go but I didn’t let God like I was supposed to.  After all I had been through I , I had some trust issues. not only with man, but with God too.  I had been struggling with having another child for sometime now. After vowing not to ever have another child, I realized that I was being selfish on my part. I wanted to give my husband a child. If I said I prayed about it I would be lying. I felt like God owed me something. So I “put God to the test” I got pregnant and just hoped everything would be okay. God surely couldn’t let anything happen again. haven’t I been through enough???I learned yet another life lesson.  This time when things didn’t turn out like I wanted them to ,I didn’t get mad at God, I didn’t turn to man. I knew I was wrong for so called putting him to a test. I asked  why, but I already knew that answer. I had to learn to trustt him.  God does not have to be tested. we should trust and believe that he can do ALL things. God doesn’t  owe us a thing. He already sacrificed his ONLY  SON  for us that we may have EVERLASTING LIFE!  how dare I challenge him. I am so very lucky that he is a forgiving and merciful God. cuz I had some major repenting to do. Yes I wuz upset that the outcome of my pregnancy was that my son was still born, but I just look at it as heaven is a little sweeter because of my son Wellington Caleb,(AKA Caleb) and Cheriya Gabriel.  I believe they were sent here on assignment and they fulfilled their duty and  went to be with there heavenly father. Yes I was devastated that I had loss another child. But I was determined to have a child and conquer my fear of what may happen. No matter what the doctors said.  (They were skeptical because of some medical issues that I don’t claim to have any more cause I claim healing in the name of Jesus!)I had to totally put my trust in God and know with out a shadow of doubt God can do ALL things. With him noting is impossible…….. That’s easier said than done. I confessed this but it was still a battle.  satan would throw thoughts in my head. but I knew in my heart that I would win this war.There were some things I wanted to do in life but was scared to. But I had to do it ……… so I did it ……scared.

In the mist of my storm, there was a bit of sunshine that shined in.   I got married  to a beautiful man and was living an good life in Atlanta. I was of course still mournig and was depressed a lot, but Wellington understood and was by my side through the good and the not so good. ( thank you for that baby…I love you) so anyway, Two years had passed since the day we got married. When I got home from work I received some very unexpected news. I learned that my mom had passed. This was another shock. My mom was very close to me and was another person helping through the stuggles in my life. She constantly encouraged me to give it all to God.  So when she died I felt as if I were alone in this world. Everybody I loved so dearly was leaving me. The only question I had for God was WHY????? I know we are not to question him but I wanted answers and I wanted them now.I adventually got them but not when I wanted them.  I enrolled in school trying to occupy my mind, find someone to talk to. I realized what I was really doing was running from God. instead of turning to him for comfort I was turning to man. Well, man let me down QUICK and I was hurt yet again. I finally surrendered and I let go and let GOD.

Psalms 118:8- For it is better to trust and take refuge in the Lord than to put confidence in man.

About six years ago, I met my first luv. Her name was Cheriya. She was my first born.  I was something I didn’t want to be. A disappointment to my parents, my siblings and myself. I was another statistic. A young black single mother. Cheriya defiantly was not in my plans after graduating college. But God brought her here for a reason. She did what she came to do and then went to heaven to be with the only true father she will ever know. I did everything I knew how to provide for my daughter. It was by the grace and mercy of God that we managed. It was a struggle everyday listening to the criticism of family members which hurts more because they are “family.”  Cheriya was born with complications but after the first 6 months of her life I knew God had answered my prayers by being with her through out all her surgeries and test. The doctors had confirmed she would not need anymore surgery until she was about 20 or 25.  This was about her heart. I knew that when she turned a year she would have to have surgery on her left arm, which I didn’t worry about to much because after all, she had gone through more serious surgeris concerning her heart. She was born with an absent radius. The doc told me that 98% of surgeries that people do for this survive and it was the best thing to do. Of course I wanted the best for my child. Unfortunately Cheriya was the 2% that did not succeed with the surgery. I was soooooo angry with God. Why did it have to be my baby? I was angry at myself to.Why did I consent to the surgery? I loved her the way she was.  I was angry, sad, hurt, depressed, I had vowed that I was NEVER going to have any more children. Little did I know, this was only the beginning of my life lesson. This was the beginning of my storm. God had to break me down before lifting me up. I knew of God,  I am a PK (preachers kid). so I was always in church. I didn’t think I needed to pray.( my mom and dad prayed, I just assumed they prayed for me and I was covered) or have a personal relationship with Christ. It took awhile for me to get it, but I got it. I’ll be keeping you informed on my stormy weather in my other blogs to come. 

Matthew 14:22-33

I can relate to this scripture. God took Peter and other disciples on the boat through a storm and when they saw Jesus walking on water they were afraid.  But then he spoke to Peter and commanded him to come to him. But when Peter felt the strong wind from the storm he cried out to the Lord to save him. Jesus reached out and caught and held him saying to him o you of little faith why did you doubt? When they got into the boat the wind ceased.  Like Peter I was afraid to get out the boat and come to Jesus. I had to let Jesus into my boat so the wind ( my storm) would cease. It took awhile, but eventually I did.

I have gone back and forth deciding on whether or not to share both the joys and pains that I have endured over the past several years, but i then realized that this is the best therapy and path to freedom that I could think of.

Me, my husband, and our extended family!